The One that Started it All

A little foreword: I wrote this my freshman year at college and submitted it to the campus paper. The reaction to the story was amazing! Hate mail, love mail, confused mail from people all over the place. Most were from my school, but if you google a few key words the reaction is still on the web to today! I'm famous. The letter has even been translated into at least French! Internationally Famous! ahaha

A Modest Proposal (April 21, 2005)

Homosexuality is a contagious malady which adversely affects our economy and endangers Americans souls.

The homosexual population in the United States drains our economy. The government requires companies to provide insurance for domestic partners and their children which forces prices to rise, which harms every American consumer.

Homosexuality also affects the souls of the ten percent of Americans who have fallen victim to the plague. The Bible clearly states that any man who lays with another man should be put to death and end up in Hell.

I have objectively examined the homosexual plague and have created a modest proposal to eradicate the epidemic.

Extraordinary members of police agencies will be employed to gather homosexuals for redistribution in "degayification" camps. These camps will provide the homosexuals with the proper tools to alleviate their symptoms.

All infected will attend rigorous religious therapy which programs their minds away from the "gay temptation." The program will also treat the physical arousal from the disease by wearing out the body in fields, performing hard labor.

I am not unrealistic with my goals and realize this treatment may not be enough for some. The remaining contaminated will be subjected to therapy where the infected males will be forced to perform involuntary intercourse on the infected females.

The camp is not a permanent settlement and those who still do not respond to treatment will be castrated.

My solution is not without reward. First, the homosexuals will save their souls from eternal damnation.

Secondly, land owners will receive compensation for land used by the degayification camps. This means the materials are produced cheaper and prices will be cheaper.

It does not benefit me. I offer it as away to solve the homosexual problem and invite others to provide better plans.

Why Natural Disasters make Living in America Lucky

So, I sat down and started thinking about America. Just America as a whole and how I perceived the place. Well, I got hot thinking about the upcoming elections and all the campaigning that brings, about government programs intended to help the impoverished, about one group of illegals fighting to keep out another group of illegals when I realized how lucky I am to live in America! Americans have been able to botch our society so completely up because we have a whole staff of other countries to face natural disasters and epidemics before us for our protection, pleasure and time management.

When the magnitude 9 earthquake that caused the Sumatran Tsunami killed more than 225,000 people because there was no tsunami detecting equipment in the area to warn them of the impending doom they were about to face, Americans acted fast by implementing more tsunami equipment around our own precious coasts. Lesson learned by God. Amen. The lesson does not stop there though. Now the focus turns to making populated areas safe for Super Quake and his washed-up sidekick Tsu (to be pronounced Sue). And all the while we are preparing areas most likely to be affected by catastrophe A, we have Jonny Anchorman in the background mesmerizing us further by the ever rising death toll. Still, we need to pray and give thanks that this did not happen to us first, because if we would have been rebuilding our lives after such an awesome disaster we would not have able to enjoy the hi-jinks brought to us by our favorite election to date.

Luckily for us, our group of countries saves us from much more than just natural disasters, they prevent epidemics too. SARS scared the crap out of us. Watching Asians wondering around the streets of Asian Island, mouths always covered to prevent the deadly disease from infecting them, the whole experience was straight out of a horror movie. Suddenly the nightly news is the best way to get to second base, “’China’s Biohazard Numbers Rising,’ next on the THC 6 o’clock news with Man Blathers.” Teenage boys started watching the news with their girlfriends just so they could comfort them (touch their boob) when they got too scared. But when the threat got real, and 27 Americans came down with SARS, we knew what we had to do: QUARENTINE THE BIOHAZARDS. While we are at it, we should take a lesson from the World War II Japanese internment camps and keep all incoming Asians locked away in one safe area at the airport. After all, America is all about learning from a lesson. If we had not been quick to our feet, we might not have had the time to produce some of the most hypocritical bills ever to land on Capital Hill. The American public needed protection from illegal immigrants gaining access to our country, to pick our tomatoes for ketchup (or maybe salsa’s their game…) and do our day labor at phenomenal prices, and the only way to do that was convince the government we needed a GIANT wall built to us in, I mean them out.

The point of this rambling is to point out how lucky we are that catastrophic natural disasters rarely happen to America first, but when they do happen, the loss is tremendous. The government thought they were doing a good job when Hurricane Katrina was announced moving toward New Orleans. They moved into the area quickly, notified the public of what was happening and evacuated everyone and everything important that they could. Hell, they only left the blacks, and the executive branch even offered them a ride but they declined. However, the oil refineries and platforms were left alone, so when the storm cleared $81.2 billion cleared too. What a horrible time for our country. Good thing those blacks did not matter; otherwise America might have to memorialize the incident in someway, like a Monday holiday.

So you see America is the best place in the world. Bad things may happen when we are not prepared but lucky for us that rarely happens. You can tell my point is true by how much time we have to create imaginary issues just to stimulate our minds and spend our time. Because you see, if I were worried a giant asteroid may be headed my way, I would have never had to opportunity to write this letter.